The Five Groups of Church Seating

By February 28, 2017Church
Signs of a Dying Church

Most churches open the doors to their auditorium/sanctuary at a certain time before the service starts.  These doors usually lead out to the lobby, where an eager crowd has gathered.

So when the doors do finally swing open, something special happens.  There is a mad rush to find the perfect seat.  If you’ve been attending the same church for a while, you know what I’m talking about and have likely found your favorite seat.  It’s a magical place where the music is neither too loud or too soft, the air conditioning provides a pleasant temperature without blowing at gale force, and the view is an unobstructed angle to the pastor’s good side.

These are five types of people who come to the surface when the auditorium doors open.

The Aisle Huggers – These people have likely flown a lot and are aware of all the emergency exits on every side of the auditorium.  They are the first in and the first out, usually minimizing their contact with fellow churchgoers.  They never interfere with anything, but they do have an annoying way of making you climb over them to reach seats in the center of the row.

The Rush to the Front – The super holy people sit in the front.  Everybody knows that the Holy Spirit is at the strongest levels in the first five rows.  These people sing louder, clap louder, and enjoy the feeling of being hit by stray sprays of spit coming from the worship leader or pastor.  They are occasionally known to bring their own tambourines.

The Rush to the Back – The opposite of the rush to the front.  This is usually occupied by people who complain about the music being too loud so they sit as far away from the speakers as possible.  Sitting in the back also provides an easy and inconspicuous exit during the offertory.

The Super Savers – Usually possessing an uncannily large wingspan, these people have the ability to save five or six seats at one time.  They may secretly be part-time NBA players.  In the event that one doesn’t have a large wingspan, these people are usually identified by the assorted items they leave in the seats.  A bulletin here, a five pack of Kleenex there, a stick of lipstick over there, and anything else that can possibly come out of a purse.

The Door Huggers – Much like the rush to the back, these people are interested in leaving as soon and as inconspicuously as possible.  Everybody knows that they need to be at the restaurant by 11:45 before the rest of the churches let out and things get crowded.

Am I missing anything?

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